Angel Child

This week's my turn to do the foreign online media monitoring for my company and while I was looking through CNN.com for relevant articles, I came across this essay submitted by a father who has a child with Down syndrome.

It was heartfelt, very honest and very raw, and I was teary-eyed by the time I was done reading it.

For some reason, I felt compelled to share this here. Probably for me to look back here and see that as a parent, it's ok to have fears and it's ok to wish for a normal child and feel dismayed if my child doesn't turn out the way we want him/her to be. Probably, too, for me to see that no matter what happens, after all the negative feelings of unacceptance, anger and disappointment, no parent will ever not love his/her own flesh and blood. Finally, probably for for me to realise that God is there every step of the way with us - a child is His precious gift to us, will He not love and protect the child more than we can and ever will?

Coincidentally, I just had my Down syndrome test done at KKH early this week.

I was initially very reluctant to go for the test due to the cost, and because I strongly believed that my child would'nt have Down syndrome cos I'm still under 30 and I've read that the high-risk age starts from 35. But my gynae and KU encouraged me to go for the test so I made an appointment to do it.

The first few days after making the appointment, I was all nonchalant and telling KU, "the gynae wanted me to go for the test just to make money out of it and why waste that money? The result will surely be low-risk!" But in the weeks after that, for some reason, my attitude changed. I started worrying and doubting and praying hard every night that my baby would have a low risk of Down syndrome and that God would give me a normal, healthy baby.

So the test results are out. After doing the blood test, ultrasound scan, and taking into account my age, my baby has 1-in-5000+ chance of having Downs, which is considered low risk. I'm very thankful for this result, but I'm going to continue praying and pleading with God until the day my child is born.

Cos the wonderful (and extremely scary) thing is, though medicine and technology can detect and pinpoint abnomalities up to 90-something percent accuracy, God is in control of 100% of it, and we'll never know anything for sure until God decides to show it to us.

Dad's confession: I almost left my disabled daughter (by Jack Barr Jr.)

The day my daughter Marley was born, I went straight to the nursery and held her for well over two hours. I just held her and cried because I had never experienced such a love for anyone or anything in my life.

I think the nurses thought I was crazy because eventually they told me I needed to go be with my wife. Three days later, before we left the hospital, the pediatric doctor told us she thought Marley might have Down syndrome.

My reaction: Are you freaking kidding me?

I immediately had a panic attack and was taken to the emergency room. Thoughts were racing through my mind: How could my perfect daughter have Down syndrome? How could they not know for sure? How could the general ultrasound, which said we had a 1-in-18,000 chance of having a child with Down syndrome, be wrong? Why was God punishing me? How could I live with a daughter that was going to be rejected by everyone ... including myself?

I entered into a deep depression for the first year of Marley's life. My wife became concerned about me, so I started taking antidepressants and seeing a counselor. I contemplated leaving my wife, or giving my daughter up for adoption, and suicide.

I would lie awake at night thinking about my future, and searching for a reason to live. I believed all the negative things the world told me about Down syndrome, and viewed it as a curse on my family. The entire time, I couldn't stop thinking about how this would change my life!

But the truth is, I felt badly about myself. At one point, I wrote a letter to myself asking why things had to be this way. I prayed for God to take my worthless life in exchange for removing Marley's extra chromosome. I would even quietly lie awake at night contemplating how I would feel if she suddenly stopped breathing while she slept. Finally, one Saturday morning, when Marley was about 2 months old, I got up and told my wife I was going for a walk.

I had no intention of coming back. I was going to leave my wife and daughter.

I couldn't do it anymore. But then, after I left, I started having second thoughts, and that's when I remembered that my wife had signed up for an online support group. I ended up spending the next two hours talking on the phone about my daughter and family with a man I had never met. He had a 2-year-old with Down syndrome.

I cannot explain it, but after talking to him for two hours I had the strength to go home and face another day. For the next six months, I got up and faced one day at a time.

Years ago, my father said to me, "If you want to fix a problem, then do something about it."

I followed his advice. First, I tried to gain as much knowledge as I could about raising a child with Down syndrome. Next, I started calling every family I could find that had a child with Down syndrome. I owe a great deal to these families because they were willing to talk to me despite the 12-hour time difference between Bangkok and the States.

I also started forcing myself to interact with my daughter. She was desperate for me to start loving her, and she continued loving me until I broke down and did the same. I was scared to accept my daughter because that would mean accepting her disability. But the reality was the only thing keeping me from loving my daughter was my own ignorance.

Once I overcame my own selfish expectations for my daughter, I slowly began to see the beautiful girl that would change my life forever.

And finally, I talked to God. I talked to Him just like He was sitting in a chair beside me because that was the true barrier in my life. I was honest with God throughout the entire process, and that is when I started finding peace.

Healing is a process and a journey. I would have never experienced this life-changing transformation if Marley had not been born.

It is true, there are difficult times having a daughter with Down syndrome. But it also true that she is very much like any other child. Marley smiles, laughs, plays, is able to meet many developmental milestones (albeit her own pace, with her own style), makes mistakes, and, most importantly, completes our family.

She literally brightens my day every time I see her. She's now 2 years old, and at this age all children develop at different rates. Marley can walk; swim; sign and speak words; throw and kick a ball; follow simple directions and throw tantrums. She also knows how to manipulate her grandparents.

But she has not learned how to run or jump. She is taking thyroid medication and has a small heart defect.

The key is, she is very similar to most toddlers her age and every child with Down syndrome is different just like every child is different.

Before our summer break, she passed an entrance exam to start at a British preschool in September with her peers who are not labeled as "special-needs children." In my opinion, these limitations we put on children with Down syndrome are outdated and lead to a lack of acceptance in our society.

The medical community focuses on so many of the challenges associated with Down syndrome that we develop an unnecessary fear -- but these are only differences. The truth is, I am a better person today because of my daughter, my daughter who has Down syndrome. I am thankful for a wife that was willing to push me to change, and support me when I struggled.

Mostly, I thank God for Marley. I remember praying while waiting those first two weeks to get her confirmed diagnosis: "God, if you heal my daughter, then I will give up my own salvation."

God didn't need my salvation -- that was a gift from him to me, just like Marley is a gift to us.

The reality is that I am still saddened that Marley has Down syndrome, but I am beginning to realize that God can bless us regardless of our circumstances. I will never be able to fully understand why Marley has Down syndrome, but I do know she has made a difference in my life, my wife's life, and in the lives of so many in our community.

Pregnancy Diary: The First 3 Months

Tomorrow, I'll be exactly 12 weeks pregnant. I've been wanting to write about my pregnancy thus far since a couple of weeks ago, but I thought I should wait cos 12 weeks is the "safe" time to let people know that I'm preggers.

I wanted to document every little thing about my first trimester cos this is my first pregnancy, and also cos I've gotten quite a bit of support through reading the blogs of other new mothers and mothers-to-be. I'm hoping that should any mothers-to-be stumble across my blog, my heartfelt and honest words will give them the same support and encouragement that other blogs have given me. So here goes:

The Discovery

KU and I went for our holiday to Paris/London in the third week of April, and my sister was excitedly urging us to "go as 2 and return as 3". And we really did toy with the idea of "making" a baby during the trip, but after calculating the exact dates of my ovulation period, we realised that it was not possible.

Anyhoos, we enjoyed ourselves very much over our 2-week holiday, though my period was supposed to come on the last day of our trip which, thankfully, was the day we were taking the flight back to Singapore. My period didn't come on that day, which was not a big deal, cos my period tends to come slightly late, usually 2 days late.

After we returned, everytime my tummy ached a little, I would go running to the loo to check if my period has come. (My digestive system hasn't been very good for the past few months and I usually feel the pain over a large area of my abdomen, so sometimes I'm not even sure if the pain is due to digestion problems or if it's cramps in the lower abdomen.) This happened for a week, and each time I checked, there was no sign of my period coming.

In the mean time, I realised that my body was changing. My boobs were feeling really sensitive, so much so that when I put on my undergarment, I would wince cos it hurt. Some ladies would attribute that to a sign of their period coming cos the boobs would usually be very tender and sensitive during that time of the month too. But I've never experienced that before, so I was sure the sensitivity in the boobs was caused by something else.

Another thing which alarmed me was how unusually tired I felt during the day. I mean, I feel tired most of the time cos of my sleeping habits, but I could usually successfully stay awake during the day. This time though, I was falling asleep at my desk at different hours of the day and I couldn't concentrate on my work at all. And then I remembered my sister telling me that she felt unusually tired at the start of her pregnancy too.

Finally, one day during my lunch break, (when my colleague wasn't able to lunch with me) I bought myself a pregnancy test kit. And I made sure to choose the one which claimed to be the most "sensitive" so that I could (hopefully) get a more accurate result. I read somewhere before that the first flow of urine in the morning will get the more accurate reading, so I waited till the next morning to test.

And ta-dah!! 

The dawning of reality

It was positive!

When I saw the 2 lines appear in the window, I was overjoyed! I already had this naggling feeling that I might be pregnant for the past week and the test confirmed my suspicion.

And the next thing I did was take pictures of the test. Haha.. I wanted to send the picture to KU, who was on his way to work, to prove to him that I really was pregnant. (He previously doubted me when I told him about the pregnancy symptoms I was showing.)

And the next thing was to tell my sister and SST the good news too! :)

The Changes

Within the first month alone, I saw a HUGE increase in my appetite. :x My sister told me that the appetite increase usually sets in after the first trimester though. And I also read that the "eating for 2" only happens in the 3rd trimester. *horrified face* But I was hungry all the time, and drinking water didn't help fill me up. So I started eating more snacks. And putting on weight. :(( So if my friends read this and see me next time, I'm not fat, just pregnant. :D

I also became more emotional and sensitive. KU got the brunt of this, cos I was around him most of the time when the emo-ness struck. Hehe.. Like every couple, we have our disagreements over both big and small stuff. Usually we'll each say our piece, stew a little, pull long faces at each other for a while and then make up. But there was one night when I was cooking and cos I started my prep work late and hence dinner was ready rather late, KU came home to find me still boiling noodles and he wasn't happy about it cos he was famished. So he asked me to sit down and he will finish boiling up the noodles. And when I asked him if he was unhappy, he simply said, "I don't like to eat dinner so late". The usual unpregnant me would have said, "I'm sorry, next time I'll get dinner ready earlier" and that would be it. BUT because it was a pregnant and very sensitive me then, I promptly burst into tears. KU was stunned and I was shocked. And the tears just wouldn't stop. I think I cried for a good 5 minutes before I could stop and it really surprised me.

Due to the pregnancy hormones, I've also had a couple of physiological changes. I've grown pimples on my chin (I usually get them on the forehead) and my usual facial products don't seem to be as effective in combatting them. I've also gotten more backne, and the pimples are quite big and painful. :( Praying hard that they don't get any worse!

The Challenges

To be honest, the first month of my pregnancy was a breeze. I'd already stopped going to the gym, was staying away from the "cooling" foods, was keeping my spirits up, and other stuff that pregnant women are supposed to do - what could go wrong?

Well, I didn't expect work stress to cause problems to me and my baby. I had my first threatened miscarriage into the 6th week of my pregnancy. The day before I started bleeding, I was up and about the whole day, working on a photoshoot for my company's annual report. Colleagues who were supposed to be present for the photoshoot didn't turn up on time and weren't picking up their mobile phones, so I had to go to their offices/labs to ask them to quickly come for the photoshoot. Some of them weren't sure of the location, so I had to go "pick" them up and walk them to the photoshoot locations. There were a number hiccups in the schedule and it was truly one of the most tiring days of my work in this company.

That same night, when I woke up in the middle of the night to visit the loo, I saw that there was blood on the toilet paper after I'd cleaned myself. I was shocked and very very scared and worried. I woke KU up by shouting, "Bb! I'm bleeding!" and cos he'd read the guide book given by KKH previously (something about spotting being a sign of the fertilised egg attaching itself to the uterus wall and is quite common), he assured me that everything would be fine. So after shedding a few tears and praying, I went back to sleep.

The next morning was Vesak Day, and also my mum's birthday, so my family came over for breakfast and I made pancakes with banoffee and cinnamon apple toppings. I was busy rushing around the kitchen the whole morning so I didn't have time to visit the loo. When I finally did so after breakfast, the bleeding had stained my underwear. I panicked and asked my sister about it, and though she said the same thing as KU, my mum and brother-in-law advised me to go to the emergency clinic at KKH.

Thank God we went to KKH. The gynae examined me and told me that I had a threatened miscarriage. I was so relieved and grateful when she did the scan and showed us the baby on the monitor. Seeing our baby's tiny heartbeat, I felt so amazed and joyful. I couldn't help but thank God that the baby was fine. The gynae then gave me a hormone jab and prescribed some hormone pills to me to support the pregnancy.



Baby at approx. 6 weeks

The following Friday, a week after the bleeding stopped and everything seemed okay, I had abit of a run-in with my boss at work. I was feeling very stressed and anxious about my work performance, which my boss wasn't very happy with. When I reached home, I found that I was bleeding again, even though I was still taking the hormone pills. It was really distressing and worrying to think that I was going through another threatened miscarriage so soon after the first one.

As I was alone at home, I did some thinking on my own and decided that I would quit my job and rest at home. I was so thankful and blessed that KU supported me in my decision.

This is by no means the end of our worries though. With my quitting my job, we have become a single-income family, and with a baby added into the equation, and the evergrowing expenses, I'll say that this is only the beginning. However, I truly believe that when God gives, God will provide. We just need to do our part to be thrifty, spend only what is necessary, and God will help us to get through any financial difficulties. On my part, I've started looking for home-based jobs and am planning to make good use of this time to explore some business opportunities.

How the pregnancy has affected us

I don't know if it's cos of the pregnancy hormones, but somehow I feel emotionally closer to KU at certain times. It's as though the knowledge that I'm carrying his child makes me feel so. KU has also been very sweet, taking over most of the housework and not letting me do much around the house (and I'm very happy to let him do that too. Hehehe..) The only thing I insist on doing is the ironing, cos it's not strenuous and knowing that I'm contributing in some way makes me feel....useful.

Now, every morning before KU leaves for work, and at night before he sleeps, he will stroke my lower abdomen and say goodbye/good night to the baby. It makes me feel so so happy when he does that cos it's such a sweet gesture and also cos it shows me that he loves and wants the baby as much as I do (not that I ever thought that he didn't want/love the baby, but you know, sensitive pregnant woman needs reassurance sometimes).

Sometimes, before we go to sleep, we'll think of (and sometimes argue about) boy and girl names for our child, or we'll discuss how we want to bring up our child, what values we hope to instill in him/her etc. I really enjoy such talks cos we can then lay out our hopes and fears and support and encourage each other.

My thoughts about all these

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about my pregnancy and the journey thus far is how grateful I am. To God, for giving us this wonderful gift; to my family and in-laws for their support; to KU for his love and patience, to SST for her encouragement and infectious enthusiasm.

In the past whenever I hear people say that children are gifts from God, I'm like Yup, okay. Not that I disagree - in fact, I totally agree with what they say. But because I've never experienced it for myself, I never understood how great that gift was. Until now. Every night I thank God for this amazing gift, and I tell him how much I love this gift from the bottom of my heart.

At the same time, I feel abit sad that my children will not have the chance to experience Aunty Shirley's love like my sister and I had. I can only imagine how much love Aunty Shirley will have for my sister and my children if she were around, and the Bible stories she will tell them.

I fear too, about the society we live in, and how my children will be affected. Just last week I read an article about an 11-year-old girl who initiated sex with her 21-year-old boyfriend had got pregnant. At 11 years old! I was horrified and I couldn't help but think of the girl's parents. How they must have felt when they discovered it. And I tell KU that I want to bubble-wrap our children next time and lock them up at home so that they don't get hurt in this crazy world of ours. *crazed, overprotective mother mode* But I take comfort in the fact that as Christians, we have a loving God who will watch over our children when we can't and protect them when we are unable to. Even if in their life journeys somehow God decides that they need to get hurt in order to become better people, He will bring them back onto the straight path. The thought of it is comforting yet scary at the same time.

My prayer for our child is for him/her to be a Godly, healthy, and happy person. I used to tell KU that I hope our child becomes a doctor/lawyer/businessperson and earn lotsa money so that we can share in his/her fortune. *money-minded mother mode* But after I got pregnant, my thoughts just changed. Now I think to my child, I just hope you'll be a happy person, cos many people don't know what happiness is nowadays. And I hope you'll love God more than your parents do.



See The World: Paris-London (Part I)

This year turned out to be a pretty exciting year for KU and I cos we went on our second Europe trip in 2 years. We spent almost 2 months just planning the itinerary and checking out the directions to the places we wanted to go, and I gotta admit it was pretty tedious and tiring. But thank God for KU, cos he's a really wonderful travel companion - good map-reader, tireless tourist, and very enthusiastic about everything (except shopping).

Our route was Paris -> London -> Paris and then back to Singapore. We spent 5 nights in Paris and 5 nights in London in total, though on highsight, we should have spent more time in London because we liked it better there.

Like all holidays, especially to faraway countries, the travelling took a day, what with our 3-hour layover in Dubai (cos we took Emirates). Upon arriving at Charles de Gaulle Aeroport, we proceeded to Hotel Libertel Gare de l’Est Francais (13 Rue Du 8 Mai 1945, Paris, 75010), where we put up for the first 3 nights in Paris. The hotel was just opposite the Gare de l'Est METRO station, literally just a stone's throw away, and I personally liked it for its accessibility to most of the major tourist spots in Paris.

The next day, we woke up bright and early to make our way to the Palace of Versailles. It was a really long train ride, about 1.5 hours, with a couple of transits at different stations in between. Personally, I thought the easiest way to get to the Palace was to take the RER/METRO to either the Saint-Michel or Champ de Mars station and then transit to the RER C line and take the train all the way to the end to Versailles Rive Gauche. From there, we just followed the crowd in front of us and the Palace was about a 5-minute walk away.

Versailles was really really breathtaking...and tiring to tour. The Palace itself was HUGE and the outdoor areas were sprawling. But to walk the corridors which Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV used to walk, and to enter the halls which the Cabinet used to assemble in - just knowing that we were seeing for ourselves a significant part of history was amazing.

That being said though, I personally preferred touring the outdoor areas cos the weather was beautiful - the sun was shining and the air was still cool - and there was so much to see!

After Versailles, we made our way to Marne-la-Vallee, where the famous shopping outlet was. But it turned out to be a total waste of time, cos not only did the journey take us more than 2 hours, I left the outlets empty handed. :'(


You are a shopping disappointment! >:(

On the third day, we went to the Museum of Natural History (57 Rue Cuvier). I love going to museums of this sort cos I have an obsession with dinosaurs, and animal skeletons. *cue weirdo music* When we entered the museum, I felt really excited cos there were bones and skeletons EVERYWHERE. Too bad the descriptions on the displays were mostly in French, so we couldn't understand a single word and had to guess which skeleton belonged to which animal.

The La Defense Grande Arche and Louvre Museum was next on our itinerary! The Louvre was really easy to find cos there's a METRO station named after it. And the La Defense arch is just across the road from the museum.

We didn't bother to go into the Louvre to look at the art pieces cos the queue was crazy long even though it was late afternoon and close to the museum's closing time. Besides, I'm not one who knows how to appreciate fine art, hence paying the rather expensive entrance fee would have been a waste of money for me.

Anyhoo, Paris is really lovely in Spring (though it got abit too cold at times) and walking long distances did not seem as tiring as it would have been if it was say, Summer or Winter.